But Once You Do Hit The Bottom, You've Still Got To Get Up.

I find myself quite contradictory sometimes.
And Yes, I am a very confusing individual.
But I wouldn't be me if I acted any other way.
And, due to the fact that I feel so fucking lost these days, I need to hold on to every part of myself that is real.

I must admit, I feel a little better.
There is no longer such a large, gaping hole in my chest. And with how far I've gotten to this point, I'd say I can breathe a tiny bit easier. {But only just a tiny bit.} We wouldn't want ourselves to get too carried away now, would we??

To be honest with you, I don't give a fuck who reads this. And if you don't give a fuck about me or my problems, you're not the first person to probably feel that way. But I do love how I can test this out. It's good for my book. A little trial and error never hurt anyone, did it?
So, if you do even kind of give a fuck, I'd love your input, because I plan on adding this shit and if it sounds retarded, well, I'll probably still add it anyways.
Because I am me, and I really don't care who agrees and who doesn't.
I'll still feel the same in the end.

For now, we part ways.

I Think I've Finally Hit The Bottom.

How can you use a maddening terror-filled thought as the glue that's holding you together?
Who will you find yourself to be in the end without it?
Will you have changed?
Or will you still remain as you are, just a little bit more empty?

I don't know if I'm quite over anything yet. I've felt, lately, like I'm moving towards something, but are we ever, really? Maybe, truthfully, I'm just getting farther away from everything else. I can't quite put my finger on what I'm feeling. Some days are better than others, but mostly, I try to push aside the things that get to me most, well, the one thing. And at this point, the whole world should be screaming that they know what it is. It's no secret that I'm slowly falling apart. But I need to be able to put myself back together. And Steve is right. Only I can do it. It's going to take every part of me to let go of it all. I find myself shaking, literally SHAKING, at the thought that I put myself through this shit. Day after day, all I can do is wonder when I will feel whole again. A loss is always hard, especially when you've lost the only thing that means so much to you. It's hard to get everyone to understand that I wanted it so BADLY. I can't even express how it made me feel to finally get the one thing I had been asking for. And now, I only find myself losing who I really am.
I can't even look at that baby book. I don't even know if I should keep it. I kind of feel like I should; if I bring myself to throw it away, I think I'll have lost all the pieces of that moment that once made me so over-joyed. If I leave it all behind, what do I have left??

I want to let this all out, because I'm hoping the lost feeling will leave me, but once it does, I really don't have anything to hold on to. At the same time this grief is comfort, but I feel so un-comfortable in my own mind lately that I wish it wasn't mine anymore.